The Snozberries taste like Snozberries

Well another exciting week living the dream. The last two nights have been exciting and the veteran cops keep telling me that as it heats up we will continue to get busier, so I should have lots to blog about.

Thursday
This was the night of crimes in progress. My blue lights got lots of exercise. We had a domestic in progress, a bar fight in progress which was dispatched as five people fighting in the parking lot, a disturbance in progress at the local apartments that are full of sketchy people, a second bar fight at the same bar, a disturbance in progress that turned out to be a drunk trying to fighting everyone in an apartment full of girls. At one point I thought wow this is an exciting Friday night only to look down and realize it was a Thursday.

Friday
We actually had less calls on Friday than Thursday but I have realized that it only takes one good call to make the night one to remember. That call came out at about 3:30am. It was a drunken guy in the parking lot of Kroger. Another officer was sent to the call and I went to back him up. When he arrived on scene he found the guy sanding staring at a parked car in the middle of the parking lot. I found the man who had called in to 911 and he told me that the guy and a friend had gotten out a car and one had gone into Kroger while the other guy began walking the parking lot staring at random things on the ground before walking to the gas station. At the gas station he began (I don’t know how to say this without being crude) humping a metal pole. I actually had to ask the man did he have his pants on, thankful the guy had remained fully clothed. I went into the store to find the friend while my partner stayed with the first guy. I found the guy wandering down an aisle looking very confused. I walked up to him and asked what have you guys been doing. He began answering in a mumbled almost impossible to understand gibberish. This went on for about 30 seconds before he suddenly said "man you’re a police officer" I told him to come with me and he agreed. On the way I said how much weed did yall smoke he, surprisingly clearly for his condition, said "we smoked alot of weed." I got him outside and he continued to make no sense rambling about all sorts of things. At one point he told me that my police car was his. I tried to do field sobriety with him and it turned into a humorous experience trying to explain the testing to a person with an attention span that makes a two year old look mature. He eventually decided that he didn’t want to take the test and tried to walk off. At this point I went ahead and put him under arrest for public intoxication.
Once we had both in handcuffs in the back of our cars things continued to be interesting. My guy kept trying to mess with his shoes so I open the door and reached into the back seat and took them off him to search them. When I told him to put his feet up so I could put his shoes back on he looked up at me with surprise and said “how did those get out there?” The other guy was in the back of the patrol car and he looked at me and told me that the orange sticker was illegal. Of course there was no orange sticker anywhere within view but that didn’t seem to phase him. He also had more to worry about when he started telling us that he was on fire.
We concluded that they were probably under the affect of some other drug as well as the marijuana. We were unable to determine if it was LSD or some kind of Meth but it was clear to see that they were out of their minds. For all of the people that have seen the movie Super Troopers these guys were more messed up than the guys that told his friends that the snozberries taste like snozberries. Don’t worry the story does not end there the fun continued at the jail.
When we got them to the jail they were stripped searched because of the fact that drugs were involved. My guy cooperated and followed instructions. However when they got to the portion of the test requiring him to take two fingers put them in his mouth and pull his cheeks apart he seemed to have troubles. He first stuck a finger in his mouth and sucked on it then when we told him again what had to be done he looked like he understood and then proceeded to shove his finger as far up his nose as is humanly possible. At this point I lost all professional composure and ran out of the room cracking up. I laughed so hard that I cried.
These guys were so high they probably won’t remember any of it. Which is good especially for the one guy who decided to fight at the jail and got tazed. He is gonna be real surprised when he comes to in the morning in the restraint chair hurting all over and charged with felony obstruction of an officer.
Needless to say these are not the sharpest tacks in the box. But at one point one of them made my night when he leaned forward and licked the plexiglass barrier between the seats. Unfortunately he was unable to tell us if the snozberries do taste like snozberries.